Thank you Tiger Mother...hopefully I can be a better parent because of your wonderful book!

Dear Prof. Chua aka. Tiger Mother,

Thank you for writing such a wonderful book. The book was really everything into one – funny, quirky, horrifying, shocking, sad, despair and hopeful. I love Jim Collins’s Good to Great, which I consider my no. 1 book but your book has certainly made Jim’s book looks second class. Haha!

Your book invites criticism, as it is expected to do which is good because it stimulates discussion. Personally, I thought your book is a statement of over-generalization all over. To claim that the Tiger Mother embodies Chinese parenting while all the while bashing Western parenting style as inept is a bit too much. But your experiences are real and that is what matters. Your book is to shock all of us parents into thinking, self-reflection and you did just that. Not that I completely agree with your approach though. I cringe reading some over-the-top words you used towards your children for what I would say were petty misbehaviour. Nevertheless, I was intrigued by the whole experience. So I decided to give it a test.

Last year, my eldest 4 years-old boy won first prize in his sport event - running with a ball. This year, my guess it will be tougher for him since some of his new classmates look menacingly bigger and taller. I told him to win the first prize again and he should train running harder than ever, which he did. With my mind imagining how a Tiger Mother would approach the situation, I told him that he MUST win as Abi (“my father” in Arabic) will not accept even a second place or that he will drop Abi's “water face”. I don't think he truly understood my warning given the giggles afterward but oh my god! It sounded and felt horrible uttering those very words.

My own “tiger” story is definitely meek compared to yours but it does tell two important things. That I am no “tiger” father. (Perhaps there is no such thing as “tiger father”? Could it be that it is an exclusive mother-ly thingy?) And being a “tiger” parent is the toughest job on earth. Yes, parenting is tough. But “tiger”-style parenting is a different ball game altogether. Children are a perceptive lot and parent should not try faking a “tiger” or they will soon fall into a dangerous cycle of manipulative, exploitative relationship. And becoming a “tiger” should never be a flavor of the day. It is a lifetime commitment. And thus my respect to you for your stubborn, no pain-no gain belief in subscribing tough love remedy for your daughters. I can never be a “tiger” in your mould. In fact I choose not to (and you didn’t ask anyone to follow you for a matter of fact!). The tiger mother style is harsh and I will make a fool of myself trying to live in a “tiger” skin…of trying to become someone else. But if there is one thing that I learn from your book, it is the importance of learning the trades of tough love. For parents to stand their ground in the face of their children pushback. To be strict and disciplined in matters that we as parent value the most. 

I am sure in doing research for your book, you have google many cases of parenting failures. And perhaps like everywhere else, we here in Malaysia have one story of our own. Sufiah (the name coincidentally pronounced similar like your first daughter) was at one time Malaysia’s most gifted student; scoring straight As, active in sports, well mannered, pretty…a model teenager in every sense. Her success earned her a top government scholarship and a place in the prestigious Oxford University.  Then almost suddenly all seemed to be going downhill. She resented her family, abandoned her studies and suspected of taking the world’s oldest profession to make a living. To add more salt to the injury, she was reported to renounce her faith as a Muslim, which is a sensitive matter in our country and a real tragedy. While most of us Malaysians remain polite of not commenting publicly, still not few are more than willing to blame her parent for the strict upbringing that made her to resort to rebellious behaviour the soonest she leave the protective bubble of her family. It is a poster case of strict upbringing failure. And It is sad that one high profile case of strict upbringing has brought a bad name to disciplined parenting because in reality, there are hundreds, if not more, cases where children becoming spoilt, addicted to drugs, wasting their youth because parents refuse to be strict in inculcating important life values.      

The fact is being strict is a lost parental value. In this age of socialization, parent seeks to befriend their sons and daughters, forgetting that those very sons and daughters are NOT friends but persons bonded by blood, honor and responsibility called f-a-m-i-l-y. Parents befriending their children are taking an easy way out to deal with children. The fact is being strict is a lost value because we parents ourselves are guilty of not being able to be strict with ourselves on what matters most. Whether it is the thousand dollars worth of treadmill we invest and promise to use every morning but now gathering dust in one corner of the house. Or that Muhammad Yunus book we plan to finish last week yet we did not even start reading. Or the nightly qiyamunlail prayers we ought to be doing at least once a week. How could we enforce the rightful values to our children when we ourselves when facing the “tough” choices between watching senseless Korean drama and going to mosque, we choose the former? And everytime we fail to discipline ourselves, the children are watching and learning themselves. And sooner or later, our failed behaviour become a rationale for them to resist our effort to educate them.

Of all the chapters in your book, I thought chapter 23 – Pushkin is the best and chapter 27 – Katrin a grim reminder. The musical notes really drive a point. I always take pride for being a hands-on father…cooking, washing, diapers apart from my work, studies etc etc. But reading that chapter…compared to your efforts, mine is worthless and simply nothing, mediocre! To everybody else, if you want your children to be great in their undertakings, just read chapter 23. Stuff of legend! In chapter “Katrin” – the “I love doing laundry” moment was so heartbreaking that it gave me some chill in the spine. You see Prof…I myself love doing laundry and on the eve of my marriage 4 years ago, a dear friend died of cancer, leaving behind a couple of so-young children. The “Katrin” story keeps me thinking - should death come early, what legacy do I manage to leave behind to my kids? Honestly, I still don’t have answer to that and many-a-time it does bother my sleep at night.      

Anyway Prof, thank you so, so much for the wonderful book. Your story is a big inspiration for me. My wife and I wish you the best of luck with Sophia, Lulu and the dogs.

Yours truly,

Eidit Hashim

From Kuala Lumpur/Kuantan, Malaysia




********************************************
Never seriously thought that Amy would read and reply. But guess what, she DID. Her email reply as below:-

Amy Chua amy.chua@yale.edu	Jun 8 (3 days ago)

Dear Eidit:  What an amazing, generous, honest, funny, uplifting email to receive -- and from Malaysia no less!  Thank you so much for writing, and I wish you and your wonderful family all the best.  Your son sounds adorable, and clearly you and your wife have found a perfect balance -- perhaps each family has its own.

Good luck always!

Best, Amy